Forums: she hurt me

Posted by Alex on Mar 31, 2014 in Crosstalk

we have been together for 5 years, and i have given the relationship everything.  I love her dearly and just typing this hurts as i well up with tears.  we are not married, but i call her my wife as we have done everything together for the last three years.  early february i took a time out as we were arguing over the most ridiculous things.  i stayed at my brothers house for 3 weeks (in poughkeepsie) she called and i called every day telling each other how much we missed each other and that we loved each other, when i came back i was told we would have US time. her and i would do something and communicate more.....it was going great til thursday when she told me out of the blue, we can't live together anymore because she wants to do her.. she wants the ability to pick up and go when she wants without answering to anyone.  I love her and she has treated me bad as a lot of people that know us do not know how i have stayed this long.  i need her in my life, and i don't want to loose her, I am in the process of moving this weekend..but i feel terrible, she has told me once we are in our own places we can DATE... how do you go backwards...

Replies to this post

Tom on Jun 27, 2014

Move on. If she loved you and cared so much about the relationship why did she leave? Run now or suffer more later. Find true love in someone who will love you for who you are not what you are. 

Jen on Jul 31, 2014

My situation mirrors yours. I had been with my partner for two years married in every way but on paper. Then out of the blue, she wants time to experience life on her own, we could try dating once we lived apart. I'm not willing to go backwards....it is painful as hell, when you believe you have found the person to spend the rest of your days with.

I have joined Coda. And am only on Step One. But I have to come first and discover why these patterns happen.

D. on Nov 1, 2016

Certainly a challenging situation.

I had something similar happen where the person suddenly disappeared.  I didn't know what happened to them.

They had some kind of sudden fear of me.  I had shared how in my previous relationship my partner had been violent towards me and sometimes I had to defend myself.

I never initiated the violence.

Only moths later did I hear from them.

I threw myself into my work; otherwise I think I would have gone into a very deep depression.

I don't regret the time we had together, just wish it hadn't ended so suddenly.

I can only say for myself: If a person wants space, they are going to take it with or without my "ok".  If I can be in acceptance, then, as painful as it may be I can leave the door open if they decide to come back.  It's a choice and understandable if a person decides that they can't wait for the person to make up their mind.

On the other hand, if in giving the person space they decide to return then the possibility of a deeper commitment is there.  All of us have to make these decisions for ourselves.

Society made things easier in one sense at one time.  If you married, that was it" "Till death do we part". If a person was unhappy in the relationship there were not many options besides working it out as best one could.

Divorce was unthinkable for women as there were no child support laws and often the husband was the sole earner of income.

This has changed, and personally I think it's a good thing.  Women don't have to put up with abusive situations they way they were forced to at one time.  I'm talking about the US.  We all know world-wide the situation is still similar.

Yet what is sometimes missing is the willingness to work through difficult issues.  And so it happens that relationship become easy to leave when things aren't going well.  The problem is, a person takes their issues with them.  Simply changing partners does not make them go away and eventually they will come up again.

This is something I feel really needs to be looked at. Otherwise the trend seems to be that relationships will continue to become increasingly superficial and disposable.

So it comes down to what matters to me more: Allowing a person to "take space", despite whatever pain comes up, with the possibility of their return.  Or deciding that their decision to leave is final for me. That I must close the door and deal with the loss of the relationship in the best way I know how.

I don't think there are any easy answers.

I've been divorced for over ten years now.  My Ex and I are still friends.  Recently I've asked her to consider if our getting back together might be a possibility.  She's willing to talk about it.  Obviously it's going to be different. It has to be.

But many years of recovery have taken place for both of us, and so we're in different places.

I had to let go of resentments when we broke up.  But that enabled the genuine care we have for each other to return years later.

What occurs to me is this: Yes I can start another relationship, but the issues will still come up.  Here with my ex, possibly ex-ex, there is a lot we know about each other.  We're not willing to "sweep things under the rug" anymore.
So I think there is a real chance for a deeper, more genuine relationship. Sure it will be challenging. What's worth doing that isn't?

I just feel that I'd like to try to see if healing and forgiveness is possible for both of us.


Daniel on Jan 27, 2017

She is doing you a favor , she is not going to change , cut your losses and let her go, I am going through the same pain and don't think I don't know , I cried my self to sleep for the last 2 months. Woman like her are damaged and can't love anyone, educate yourself and learn to let go of someone that is hurting you.  Love your self 

Rachel on Aug 29, 2017

"I love her and she has treated me bad as a lot of people that know us do not know how i have stayed this long.  i need her in my life, and i don't want to loose her."  What do you think you NEED her for?  Most times, our desire to have people around us who treat us badly have more to do with what's going on inside of us than it has to do with them.  When you say you "need" someone, it means that they are doing something for you.  That's really not loving them but using them to fill something inside.  Any idea what that might be?



Add a reply to this post


Back to Crosstalk Forum