Forums: Looking for a sponsor
Posted by Elinor on Nov 1, 2017 in Sponsorship
I am a young woman in New York City looking for a sponsor. I’ve been attending CoDA meetings since January and want to take the next step. The CoDA meetings are wonderful, but I know I need more accountability and structure in my recovery work than meetings alone can offer me. The main thing I’m looking for in a sponsor is someone who has time, energy, and the capacity to hold me accountable for my attendance of meetings and the work we do together
I live on the UWS; I would be happy to work remotely, but it would be great to find someone I could work with in person. Let me know if this sounds like a good fit and I would love to tell you more about my story and history and we can spend a little time getting to know each other.
Replies to this post
Robert on Feb 5, 2018
This post was a few months ago so I don't know if you will see this Elinor . If so, I hope it helps you or someone else who might come across it. I have been in Coda for almost 10 years. When I 1st came in to program I did not take it as seriously as another 12 step program that I was already established in. I did not take the validity of codependency seriously at that time. I figured, well I will go to a 16 day workshop out of state, and that will be that. What I know today, is that codependency is the ROOT of all my issues. I need to be sober in my other program to work on my codependency. But I was extremely codependent long before I was anything else.
So when I started to take it seriously I found a meeting that I called my home group, and started to take service positions, from treasurer, to literature, intergroup rep., Chairperson. It was home. And it helped me and continues to do so. To go from judging to identifying.
I have a great sponsor that I have had a number of years from another program. Who I am grateful for.
There was a step writing meeting that they had for a time and when I could make that meeting, I found it to be invaluable. Because the writing to me took me out of my head and any drama that was up there.
We Incorporated a step writing meeting once a month at my home group. It wasn't enough for me. For my time in Coda, at that point. I desired to have a sponsor. Someone who worked the steps and walked the talk. Didn't find such a person in this program.
So what to do? A woman, at that time, approached me and asked me the same question? How do I get a sponsor? At that time I said to her " Damned if I know"? " Good luck with that one". That is what I wanted to say. I suggested that she goes the national website and try getting a sponsor that way. And Damned if she didn't. She found a sponsor on the other coast who had worked the steps and was willing to sponsor her. And when I saw her, she looked great. She wasn't carrying that baggage because she was actually working the program. And what did I become?
Highly resentful. She took my advice and ran with it. So I felt I was at a turning point. Either I start working this program or I am not going to be IN IT. I felt I needed that physical interaction. And that the only choice that I had was to work this program with a co-sponsor.And so, one day I sent out an email to someone I knew from the meeting, whom I respected and felt I can work with. This person agreed.
And almost 3 years later we are still working the program. Our relationship is So of a business nature. We meet once every week or 2. We don't get caught up in each others drama. That is what has made this relationship last. And how did we work it?
It started with step 1. The Coda workbook has 8 to 10 question, with an introductory reading, to the specific Step or tradition. We got together the 1st week and talked about how we were going to work it? And we decided to answer 2 questions, get together every week, and sponsor each other with our work. We saw these things called traditions and questions for them. Are they really important? I have been a loner all my life. Accept when I was in a relationship that could save me, or hide in, or both.
Working the traditions, have turned me into someone who was afraid and non trusting. To someone who actually cares without being Codependent Aka Giving up the farm. And it starts with Tradition 1. Our Common Welfare.
3 year's later we are on Tradition 12. We have both changed a lot. Personally and professionally. The questions are designed to answer in a consistent, patient manner. They kind of build from one to another. To where you get to the last question and you go " Yeah I get it". We meet up. Catch up. And get to work. For a 1/2 hr to an hour. The only time longer than that was Step 4. That was an 8 hour day. Exhilarating and exhausting.
So there you have it. I hope this might benefit someone. I shared once that it is Almost impossible to recover from Codependency. I still believe that today. Almost. It has taken me a lifetime to get this way. Without a consistent, committed effort on my part it isn't happening. And even then it is not knowing. I am at peace with that. I have seen enough change in myself and how I relate to society, that I am sold. I got lucky. I found someone just as motivated as I have been to do the work and be consistent. If that doesn't happen for you the 1st time out. Don't get discouraged. But cut bait ASAP. Your life is to important.
And finally, Good Luck and Much Success.
We are in this together.
Kevin on Mar 1, 2018
Thanks so much for this post, Robert. After a year of solo coda, I'm feeling the need to find a sponsor. Your story helped me to envision what that could look like.
I hope you're doing well.
Grace on Nov 5, 2018
Thanks for posting this, Robert.
Content re-published with the permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated (www.coda.org).